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--- Abraham Hicks
Excerpted from the workshop in San Rafael, CA on Friday, March 9th, 2001"
It is so hard to try and look deep within oneself, like how do you know where to start??? lol... I dont know where to start! I have tried and you know what? It is not do-able. *sigh*
- Mood:
pensive
Sonnet 130
William Shakespeare
My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damasked, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress when she walks treads on the ground.
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.
- Mood:
sleepy
- Mood:
annoyed - Music:"Whatever you like," TI
Chubby Bunny
P.S: Gargh!!!! Had to change the password AGAIN. What gives????
- Mood: pissed off
Damn it to bloody hell!!! I just lost an entire entry!!!!! Fucking buttons. I had accidently pressed something that made the screen weird and I was trying to undo it and well, I got the screen back the way it is, but lost some precious thoughts! Anyway, like I was saying...after nearly a year, I still (not as much as before) check the ex's myspace just to see (I cannot believe I am admitting this) if he's miserable. Sadly, he isnt and hasnt been for at least the past three or so months?. Which angers me and that is ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. Why should I care if he's happy or miserable? I cant even keep track on my own life! Let alone my feelings which I am disconnected with 90% of the time! Blegh! Anyway, I've deducted it to the fact that because I am wretched (because why else would I want anyone to be miserable too?) he cannot be happy. He must be miserable with me.
Wow, totally lost my train of thought. I went to another site that I thought might have been his, but I suppose not. It talks of NYC, a place I've never gone before. Anyway, if I should feel the urge to revisit this topic, then I will. Until next time, adieu.
Chubby Bunny
~Had to change the wretched password....AGAIN! lol
- Mood:
distressed
SO - I just realized I've fucked myself over ish. I have realized the folly of my ways lol...I jump into relationships too quickly. It sucks. I am on a break with Nate and well...I dont want it to be a break. I want to end it for once and for all. Thing is - everyone, EVERYONE loves him. Have I stated that before? Does not matter. Point is - he has a majority of my friends as his friends on my facebook and myspace. I have none of his! His friends hate me or something. Or better yet, my friends are just that awesome! I like that. Yes, my friends are friggin awesome, my ex liked my friends too. ish. I think...hmm. Anyway - point in all this is that in the future, I need to be more wary of introducing people I date to friends because although I may feel like its going to last, which is an outright lie!, it isnt going to last and I'm going to want to make a clean cut. BUT I FRIGGIN CANT! Because I'm dumb like that.
AAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Words cannot describe how much I hate myself right now. LOL...well, at least now I know - be more careful in the future and dont bring people in my life so willingly. I am so friggin dumb! DUMB!!!!!!!!! My gawd. I cant believe I've put myself in this mess. Well - I know one thing for sure, we are going to be on this "break" until gawd knows when. I'm going to see how I do in school this semester knowing that I technically dont have a boyfriend ish, thus not having extra unneccessary committments. Yea, thats right, I said unneccessary. So what if I'm a horrible girlfriend??? Or even a horrible person??? I hate myself. Why am I so friggin dumb???? GAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! I am so fucking dumb. I should inform my other friends of our "break." Just so they dont make plans with him, become more his friend and then...awkwardness...FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!FUCK!!!!!
I am an idiot. Now I know. And hopefully I wont ever make the same mistake...AGAIN. *exasperated sigh!* GOSH! I am so mad at myself. Grr. This sucks. I dont know what to do. Hopefully he doesnt make plans with MY friends. Wow, I am possessive of sorts, lol...
Chubby Bunny
P.S: I've had to change my password...FRIGGIN AGAIN!
- Mood: aggravated
GAH. Eight friggin months. I do suppose that since things have calmed down a little that I should probably break the news to him. I have had my speech made up for nearly a month now, lol...I am blaming the depression and will tell him that I need to focus on myself to get better before committing to a relationship, etc...it works out perfect. Hopefully. I do have my paranoia that he has somehow found this hidden journal and will have read this and come up with an argument that will counteract my argument and I will be hopelessly stuck in my hot mess. lol...hopefully that is just me being paranoid. *bites nails* At any rate, I really do need to get better for myself, if not for anyone else. Having said that, I bought a notebook to record my moods throughout the day ish. I feel that is needed for me to do. Otherwise I will never get better if I just sit around thinking about how I wish I could get better.
Today, I also came across the realization that I cant live one day at a time. When I was going to group therapy, it was something that the therapist said that everyone needed to work on - to do one thing at a time instead of compiling everthing that needed to get done into the span of a day. I tried it and really, it takes too much effort to think positive and I think that might have been my downfall, lol...that is going to have to be something else that I need to work on. I cant have a relationship when I have so much work to do on myself. I am blaming the relationship for my irritation of life, if you couldnt really tell by now, lol...anyway, as of this moment, there is all this anxiety in me feeling that I need to do this and that and the other and gah! Its frustrating. I cant stop thinking about how I was going to clean and start with the Christmas decorations and how I was going to give Marlowe and bath and fuck, forgot the gluestick and the Christmas shopping and omgawd! *breathes deeply* Like I said...frustrating and irritating. I just cant think of any other word to describe it. Money is also something that is constantly on my mind (who's isnt it on?). I owe my mom $1000, $700 is due to the wisdom teeth and the other $300 is for car insurance. I need to pull $220 out of my account to repay Nate for the ski pass also because he doesnt want to cash the check. In some demented sick way, it makes me feel less guilty when we break up that I would have repaid the half of the ski pass lol...
I need some kind of notepad or something electronic of that effect to carry around so that I can write my little notes and such into. My phone, the Blackberry Pearl, isnt so useful in that sense. I dont feel that it is anyway. I really dont know what would be. I was considering getting a pocket PC but Nate doesnt think its a good idea. He thinks I should get another phone. I dont think so though. I'm not sold with that whole iPhone dealie, lol...guess I'm just old school ish. I cant carry a notepad because I leave it all over the place, and you would think, why wouldnt I leave the electronic notepad somewhere too? Its true, I probably would and probably would stop using it after a couple months. I am stumped in this area of my life. I need a personal assistant, lol, that is what I can come with at this point. lmao...I just need something that will give me reminders of what I need to get, what money is owed to who and what the day is and what is happening this week so that I can have less off my mind. I feel that is what I need. Then there is the researching that I'd need to go into it with and blargh, that doesnt sound like fun. I need a real live Dex, lol, so I can ask him/her/it what the best option with what I want to do and/or need and have the answer like shazaam! lol! Unfortunately, it isnt that easy. grr. SO - in the end of all of this rant and rave, well, not so much on the raving part, I feel a little bit of peace that I have let some of this off my shoulders. ish. What else can I do?
Chubby Bunny
- Mood: cranky
So I should be ashamed at my attitude in that last entry lol! And I am because Nate is an awesome guy and I really could not ask for anyone better. He doesnt hesitate to take my dogs out or walk them or pick up their shit, lol...and he's always wanting to help which can be a bit annoying at times because of how independent I am. He pays for just about everything and takes me to concerts that I wanna go to. Or movies that I wanna see or places I want to eat at. Which, side note, I really dont want to go to a whole lot of movies or have any particular places that I want to eat at which peeves him a bit, lol! He actually wants to cook for me at times too. I dont ever give anything back, I just take, take, take! What a selfish yeotch I am!
Really all he wants back is some loving *giggle!* and to be wanted and I cant even give him that because I'm too wrapped up in my problems and being in my little selfish mundane depressing world. I feel like the worst person ever in the galaxy! Yet I dont. ish. I'm a yeotch.
My new anthem is "Troublemaker," by Weezer by the way, lol! I love Weezer! Blah, I need to get to bed...by the way - I am finally down to the fourth book of the Twilight saga series and I am still addicted. I think I got it Saturday and am nearly done with it! lol...its a little over 700 pages. *whew!* bleh. I need some professional help though.
Chubby Bunny
- Mood:
drained - Music:"Troublemaker," -Weezer
Thats right. I dont care about his feelings. He's so sensitive, its annoying when he catches me in the wrong mood. Sometimes its amusing to see him tear up, more often annoying for the most part. What am I supposed to do? Comfort him that I do like him, blah, blah, blah....? Its not like we're going to get married because I dont want to, I dont ever want to get married. Its too much of a hassle. Whats better than to be able to break out of a relationship at the drop of a penny and not have to worry about assets and the like? So most likely, I will not be moving in with any boyfriend. It really is too much of a hassle, after a break up, just the hassle of sorting through CDs, DVDs, books...clothes even. I dont have time for such designs. We could date for years and I will still live by myself and not be married. I'm sure when the time comes for him to ponder of such things, I could give him the choice of staying where we're at or if he wants to explore the sea of other potential fishes, he can go right ahead. As far as I'm concerned, I'm bored of him. I dont know if it was because he was a rebound guy or if I really have no heart (lol!) both of which are probable.
Onto other blog worthy notes - today is the official birthday of my boys, they are now a year old! Aww...*tear* lol! Well...I guess I should go to the doggie bakery and get them a cake and some awesome soft add-in din-din tonight :) Wowsers though, my babes :) growing up so fast! lol...
-Chubby Bunny
- Mood: irritated
So I started reading the Twilight Saga series and I am hopelessly addicted, lol...I cant wait for the movie to come out in November!! Nate had bought the first book for me to slow me down on reading the Dark Tower series that he insists I read with him. He is on book three and I am almost done with book two. He's like a third of the way in on book three and I guess I will have to check out book three from the library. He's a slow reader, lol...so yea, theres a long waiting list for the second book in the twilight series book, the first book actually has a longer line, lol...hopefully I can get the second one soon because I am very addicted!! lol!!! Thats all I had to share for now...oh! and I have no idea why I still write in my xanga journal, lol, I had just updated that, I wouldve included this but I dunno. I guess because I only started reading about the twilight series from this girl's journal who is now subscribed to me because I am subscribed to her...lol...yea...anyway, thats all for now.
- Mood:
blank
Or maybe I should just go with it, as a friend suggested. Its just so hard, because classes are starting next week again and I have been wanting to do a lot of things that I dont end up doing anyway. I somehow lose days and I dont even know where the hell they went! *sigh* They were most likely lost to the luminous glow of the computer screen of which I find myself sitting in front of almost any free chance I get, which is very bad. I have a lot of cleaning to do and I need to bathe and trim the other dog. Which, the whole bathing the dogs every other week is not going too well because I'm lazy. I admit it, I'm pretty fucking lazy. Its just a hassle bathing them, drying them, and it just takes too much out of my day! Blah.
I need to buy an outfit to the wedding next month and dont even know where to start! I dont know what the latest trends are and my mother seems to be very stuck on the idea of wearing tight pants underneath a long flowing like shirt, I believe that style has been a couple years ago. Blah, so Nate is getting off really soon and I need to go to exchange the glasses that I dont particularly like.
Chubby Bunny
- Mood: contemplative
I need to start to make plans with friends that dont include him. Blah. I really dont know how married people do it, which is most likely why I'll never get married. *makes face* lol I love me. And I hate this computer. Its really friggin slow, Nate offered to build me a faster one, I think I might just take on his offer :) because this slow ass computer is driving me up the wall! Well, I had a bunch of things to say and talk about but have now forgotten because I've been talking to my friend on facebook, lol and hunger is starting to overcome me. When I shall feel the rage come up again, I will probably write another entry :oP
Chubby Bunny
- Mood: blah
Which is why I dont understand why sometimes I'll still go to look at my ex's myspace, lol! The other day I was flipping through the pictures in my camera and thinking about where the changeover happened; when I got sick of him and despised him for no reason. As I was looking through the pictures though, I was thinking to myself "Did I really date him and liked him at one point?" I could not feel attraction of any sorts while looking at the pictures. But then last week sometime at work, we were talking of work related matters and I felt an urge to grab him and kiss him hard. I dont know where these feelings of sorts come from or why I still wonder if he loves me or thinks about me. Was it because it was my first long term relationship of sorts? I know that I dont think about him when I'm with my new guy, who's name is Nate, of which isnt really his real name, but changed for reasons of my paranoia, lol! Anyway, I'll catch myself at work sometimes just wanting to go into the office so I can see him...? Or is it to torture him? To torture him of the fact that he cant ever have me and that I am with someone else - fucking someone else, calling someone else baby, kissing someone else. I really dont know.
And I hate it because I have moved on. I think about Nate a lot of the time and I miss his touch, his kisses, his scent and everything when I am not around him. *sigh* Yesterday, I took my dogs to the groomer's and forgot to remind them of my new number. Anyway, they called my old number and I guess that I had put my ex's number as a back up number and so they called him up. The girl said that he had said not to call that number anymore and from the way she had put it, sounded like he was very angry and belligerant of sorts to her. It wasnt like I did it on purpose and I almost half expected him to come by and question why I was doing it to him. But I had done nothing wrong except that I forgot to update my contact info with the groomer. It did make me feel a bit satisfied of sorts, I'll admit it, I know he must have gotten up from bed and downed some alcoholic beverage of sorts, lol...I know I shouldnt feel like this but I cant help but feel like I left a deep wound within him and that I'll never let it heal because in some way or another I keep reopening it. I know its horrible of me to feel like so, I guess I'm just a bitch, lol...my best friend has said that I have some residual anger and I dont know why. Its not like I was the one who loved the other and did not have the same from the other person. I wanted to break up with him. I dont miss him, I really dont. I dont know what the hell is wrong with me, lol...I'm just evil or something. *shrug* Anyway, I've got to get going...
~Chubby Bunny
- Mood:
confused
I have an awesome hot boyfriend, but I guess there will always be the insecurity that he will find someone better than me. Someone more prettier or whatever! *sigh* I have a headache, I was so going to update more and stuff but I'm getting tired and still need to walk my boys and bleach the floor. Going back to work sucks monkey balls. :(
- Mood: crappy
